The struggle is real ~ meantal health.

Mental health has such a bad stigma these days. That people like me keep so much of it to our selfs because of it but hear I am wanting to tell my followers that’s it’s ok to struggle everyone does at sometime. ………

I personally can remember my first anxiety attack from back when I was in primary school in Perth at my year 7 graduation. They wanted us all to stand up and do a short speech which I don’t even remember what it was about any more and I totally freaked!. I  got to the point where my teacher at the time said to try and on the day if I still couldn’t do it he would read it for me. I walked out on that stage I stood there taking deep breaths I looked at him in totally freak out and started crying.  

A few years later I found my self struggling more than ever at high school being bullied. I’ve had learning difficulties dyslexic and add I just wasn’t as fast in the smarts department. I got told to “go away” “die” “dumb” ect. I got really depressed and Soent most of my time in my room hating my self. After school finished that seemed to pass and I thought everything was going to be ok.

I few years later I was 18 working full time at Coles supermarkets when it hit me again!. I uses to pretend I was sick so I could have the day off I would hide it from every one that I had it off I would sleep all day. I would work all day come home and just sleep because I was exhausted from being around people.  And like before it eventually just wore off and every thing went back to normal. 

The time it really really hit me was after my ex broke up with me. I was in a 7 year emotionally abusive relationship with him. We didn’t life together yet he controlled my spending, when I went to bet, who I hang out with, how much I worked. He once made me get drink because he thought I was pregnant. He told me I was fat and told me when to go to the gym. He would disappear for 2-3 weeks at a time then reappear like nothing happened I later found out he was chasing other girls.

After he broke up with me he he decided he made the wrong decision and tried to get me back and that’s when the trouble with him and my anxiety and depression started again. I would ask him to leave me alone and he wouldn’t he would leave stuff at my house colour photocopying log love letters, saucepan sets, musical tickets, food he also was finding out my medical records some how and hacking my Facebook. Waiting for me on the street. My anxiety went through the roof I hated walking down the street.this time was different I finally got the guts up for help and spoke to my dr and was put on antidepressants and did therapy. I struggled for 3 years to recover from that anxiety and depression. The only time I ever told my family any of this was when I moved to Canberra 2 and a half years ago and that’s the reason why I moved. 
So here I am starting to struggle with life again and I’m honestly disappointed in my self I got help last time I thought I was strong enough to to beat it if it popped it’s ugly head up again but this time I’m not afraid to get help or go to my dr. To get the help to work through this again. 

Struggling with depression and anxiety and is the constant struggle of the mind. It’s a bottle of exhausting thoughts and feelings. 

– being around people is exhausting.

– thinking is exhausting.

– getting out of bed is exhausting.

People who have never struggled with mental illness will probably never understand but I’ve struggled  with mental illness most of my life.  Depression and anxiety on an off get to me. People say “snap out of it” but it’s not that easy it’s not like waking up on the wrong side of the bed. We can’t just go to bed and wake up the next morning and be fine we may do that okay but that’s a good day. I’m honestly not writing this blog post to pity but understanding. I feel there needs to be more understanding in the world. 

People with anxiety for me is my mind racing and thinking about a recent problem or something that’s bothering me to the point that it’s overwhelming. Thing in your mind will exploded easy you could go from “he hasn’t texted back he must be busy” to “oh my gosh his mad at me he probably hates me” in about 1 minute. You become really judgment of people who you want to let in to your life and who will hurt you. It stops you from sleeping properly.. Concentrating proper and I even find it makes me forgetful ( I forget to pay my phone bills put deodorant on all sorts of stuff) crowds make me panic. I struggle with body image as well and that doesn’t even begin to start to describe how my mind works. There is a lot more but honestly I can’t think of them right now. 

At the end of the day what I just want to say is be careful of each other. Be nice love each other. Next time you see some one struggling ask the if there ok! Don’t Judge them! Don’t tell them to get over it. 

Holly xoxo


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